


Planet Earth vs. Planet Ape

by DontEatTheLiveAnimals



Category: Taps to Riches
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-28
Updated: 2018-12-01
Packaged: 2019-09-01 18:10:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 15
Words: 6,719
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16770262
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DontEatTheLiveAnimals/pseuds/DontEatTheLiveAnimals
Summary: A series of vignettes detailing when the Advisors are confronted with the interplanetary war between the mostly human population of Earth and the ape population which has taken over the Space Planet.





	1. Dust Valley

Mr. Sparky, an orange fox, was the head of the Firework Foundry in Dust Valley. His background was in computer programming, but he decided to set up his own firework shop mainly because it was cheap. "If it don't make dollars, then it don't make sense." was his motto. But his thirst for explosives was also because he had sensed a war was coming with another planet.

Sparky's suspicions were deemed correct once a missile hit Arch Burger, the three-story fast-food place not too far from the Foundry. The explosion instantly killed everyone within a few miles except for one employee, geeky teen Parker Pratts. An investigation indicated the missile's origin to be Sky Force One, a military base on the Space Planet, but John "Smith" Woibanx, a Space Planet native who had badly disguised himself as a human, decoded a message that hinted at a culprit from a completely different dimension:

_Hey Humans_

_You claim that you are the most powerful animals ever._

_But you are no match for the Apes!_

The message puzzled many, because the ape population resided in the Jungle Planet, which was only accessible through a portal in Homeworld Zeta on the Space Planet. It appeared as if the apes had taken over the base and were soon to conquer the entire galaxy. The news relayed to Earth's supreme leader, Abraham Income, who announced a declaration of war against the rogue Space Planet.

Despite the attack on Arch Burger, the Dust Valley was still chosen to be the hub of military operations due to its flat geography and lack of crowdedness. Sparky became the head of explosive weapons, while hunter and knife expert Alligator Gundee was appointed as the head of melee weapons. Pratts was put in charge of food, and the hiding place he had made for himself, which helped him survive the attack, was reconstructed as a bunker.

But the most important contributor to the war was Sparky's hunchbacked assistant Skree, who created soldiers from the body parts of the Arch Burger explosion's victims. Skree had successfully created life on his own once - he built Michael Jackenstein, who became an entertainer at the Moonwalker's club in the Space Planet metropolis of Moonwaukee - and he desired to create a military force in the same way. With a loan from mobster Tony "Lollipops" Capone, Skree was successful in his endeavor and initially the entire military force was comprised of zombies. Mama July, owner of the Slurpee Mart, suddenly became very rich as her pizza rolls and energy drinks fed the entire armed force.

The zombies were strong at first, but their lack of brains meant that non-zombies had to join the armed forces as well. Some were happy to join, like the foul-mouthed, macho Roxxie Rocksalt, who was known for surviving an ear attack by toddler Tyke Mison. Others were not, such as gambler cowboy Pablo Anaranjado, who had lost all his winnings in a bad poker game and had to join to regain his standing with his comrades. The weirdest enlistee was Shakesbeer, who was the best-selling writer on the planet and was widely mocked for being drunk during interviews but was so patriotic that he wanted to do anything for Earth.

President Income sent prisoners of war to the Cactubite, a cactus which took them to a camp within the Earth's core where sadomasochistic acts were performed on them. This was the only action of Income's to cause major backlash because apes deserved the same rights as humans even though those from the Jungle Planet appeared to be naturally hostile.


	2. Kong Jong Il

While it appeared to John Smith that the Jungle Planet as a whole was trying to take over Earth's dimension, in reality the threat to Earth that started the war was sent by one lone psychopath.

The hulking gorilla Kong Jong Il had been infamous in his youth for attempting to murder his older cousin Choppy Kong with Choppy's axe. He usurped the throne of the Jungle Planet from another cousin, Kong Arthur, by defeating him with the banana that Arthur had pulled from the stone. During his reign, Jong Il was known for almost wiping out the planet's orangutan population in an attempt to make gorillas the highest social class, as well as for his massive cult of personality which largely resulted from residents' fear of being punished.

Once he felt he had maintained his iron grip on the Jungle Planet, he attempted to conquer the Space Planet and successfully took over Sky Force One. Sky Force One was in a state of uncertainty prior to Jong Il's takeover. The recent president of the Space Planet, Ronald Raygun, had just resigned from office for supplying ray guns, his family's stock in trade, to other planets. The interim president, Lady Liberty, was a literal talking statue. So Jong Il, despite being a nobody in this dimension, thought he would have an easy time taking control of the planet.

Jong Il had a confidant in the chimpanzee Tyrion Banannister. A native of Earth, Banannister noticed how poaching had greatly reduced the ape population there despite apes being almost as technologically advanced as humans, and served several months in prison for speaking up to President Income about this injustice. Jong Il convinced Banannister to join him in his cause by promising greater freedom for apes in general, a statement Banannister easily believed in given that he had no knowledge of Jong Il's crimes in his homeland. Jong Il gained control of Sky Force One through the connection of the warrior Tarya Stark, who was in the military and who was Banannister's confidant and rumored cousin; despite the Starks being human, they had crossbred with the Banannisters before. Through Stark, Jong Il was able to flip the loyalty of the high-ranking rhinoceros General Hornsby. He also enlisted the help of "Soldier" Joe, who was not actually part of the military due to being rejected for being mentally insane but was great with rocket launchers. In fact, it was Joe who fired the shot that destroyed the Arch Burger, though Jong Il would take all the credit.

Despite successfully taking control of the military, Jong Il's presence was not welcomed in the rest of the planet. Ratings for the massively popular Galaxy News Network, the headquarters of which was among the buildings taken over by Jong Il in Sky Force One, plummeted when anchor Wolf Blitzberg dedicated his program to displaying propaganda in favor of Jong Il.


	3. Moto City

If there was a central hub for anti-war sentiment on Earth, it had to be in the metropolis of Moto City. The home of the world's most celebrated basketball team, the Moto City Basset Hounds, it was also the planet's foremost producer of construction and vehicle supplies, making it an iconic city for the working class.

It was expected that Moto City would be the main place for producing war supplies, but due to the lack of space President Income took the risk of having the factories in Dust Valley. As a result, income in Moto City vastly dropped and much of the population moved out. The ones who stayed put became the world's loudest critics of the war.

The city's anti-war sentiment became widely known to the public when the Basset Hounds' biggest star, small forward Earvin Irving, interviewed bus driver Cleavus Ray after a game where Irving delivered a widely praised dunk from the foul line. Ray's curt response, "I already live in a cramped place and the war's gonna take that away", became a rallying cry for low-income city dwellers across the planet. This move was orchestrated by team owner Shark Cuban, who invested in several other businesses in the area which had their income suddenly plummet.

While all the Moto City activists who gave their opinion to the news had the common ground of mentioning war's detriment to workers, they covered a breadth of other topics in their quest for political change. Construction worker Chaz Tannen blasted war supporters for buying too much into propaganda, citing consumption as bad for society. Union leader Sandy Conaway, while not opposed to the war, said that its reliance on capitalism clashed with her socialist views. Mechanic Letty Rodriguez, meanwhile, was prideful of her pacifism and profanely compared supporters of fighting to rats. In his op-ed, the blind engineer Patched Adam focused on how one can't fight with no eyes. Even Super Mandible, Moto City's resident superhero, spoke out against the war, citing his disdain for the jingoistic supervillains he had fought in his past.

Despite the major opposition in the metropolis, two famous Moto City residents supported the war effort. Law enforcement officer Steven Seagull, who was known for using martial arts moves to defeat organized crime, enlisted in the armed forces, serving under Moto City native Sergeant Mandy McAndy. His black belt training made him a killing machine for a while, though a few months into the war he went to jail for a fraud scheme. The other one to enlist was, surprisingly, drag queen Raul Powerslide. It was rumored that he only joined the army to spite Cuban, with whom he was in a long-running feud over Cuban's attempt to buy Powerslide's television show and kill its artistic value.


	4. Space Jam Cafe

The Space Jam Cafe was the biggest diner in Moonwaukee that wasn't attended by anyone from Moonwaukee. It was the gathering place for everyone who had come from Earth and its moon to settle on the Space Planet: from human Astronaut Jane to werewolf Were-stronaut, from moon goddess Luna to moon-headed Cheesehead Melies. Among the most famous frequent guests were Jumpcow, a former Basset Hounds star who had jumped all the way over the moon to make a dunk in Moonwaukee; Splintachu, a human-turned-rat who mentored Leonardo DiCatrio and Chef Donatellee to become famous mercenaries and who carried around a sentient rock named Brock Katchum; and Fieri T., a chef who often cooked custom meals for the diner.

The establishment was run by the infamous Danny Despacely. In addition to being loud, abusive, and reportedly corrupt, he was known for doing crazy schemes which were always foiled by the patrons as soon as he started them. As one of the few people on the Space Planet to be fully aware of Kong Jong Il's duplicity, his latest scheme was to kidnap Chop Chop, one of Jong Il's ape soldiers, and install him in the diner as a "museum piece" for the guests to laugh at. This horribly backfired when Jane and Were-stronaut, seeing Chop Chop in the space suit, attempted to have a conversation with him about spacecrafts instead. Chop Chop pulled out a ray gun that he had stolen from Sky Force One's Ray Gun Emporium and immediately started shooting at Jane and Were-stronaut; he missed them, but hit Luna, who as a goddess was invincible. A massive brawl ensued, ending with Brock causing an earthquake which destroyed the cafe completely. The nearby Milky Way Mine was also ripped apart by the earthquake, and many gallons of water were found. Though the discovery of water in the mine was widely publicized, Chop Chop stole all of it to hydrate Jong Il's troops, helping turn the tide of the Space Planet against the dictator.


	5. Mahatma Bondhi

Mahatma Bondhi, member of Parliament for Sky Force One, was one of the area's most famous residents due to his iconic tuxedo, his snarky wit, and most importantly his reputation as a womanizer. At every event he attended he brought what looked like a different girlfriend each time; this made him seem extremely unattainable and contributing largely to his image as "the man who will seduce you...and immediately leave your heart broken", one which his political opponents always capitalized on even though they always lost.

In truth, Bondhi was a spy for Earth, chosen by President Income's predecessor George Ackbarington because Bondhi's coldness reminded Ackbarington of a killer despite Bondhi being a complete pacifist. As a result, Bondhi was often seen with a gun in his hand in office photos, though he refused to actually fire one. His "girlfriends" were actually three other spies: Cassandra San Francisco, Grossa Krev, and Natalia Romanova, each of whom had a large set of disguises to fool the Space Planet into thinking they were many different people. The image that Earth concocted for Bondhi lasted for years until finally being shattered when another spy outed him.

"Red Widow" was the codename for a Space Planet spy hired by President Raygun. While President Income had speculated that she was just Romanova with a red-haired wig and an eyepatch, their vastly different facial features proved otherwise, and Red Widow's real identity remains unknown to this day. She had first come to prominence for her successful seduction of, and later relationship with, the Earth superhero Hard Drive. Hard Drive's time in the spotlight was short-lived since his skill at throwing floppy disks was undercut by his large body fat, which underneath his suit looked like big muscles. After Hard Drive retired, Red Widow was tasked with seducing Bondhi, the most famous man in Sky Force One, not knowing that Bondhi was a spy himself. They went into a relationship and were still dating by the time Kong Jong Il took over Sky Force One.

One of Jong Il's most prized recruits in the war was the ace pilot Amelia Airheart, who took down 30 Earth soldiers in one battle. But Airheart completely disappeared shortly after the war's beginning, with her last transmission to General Hornsby being that she took a wrong turn. Since Bondhi had been shown in public with "Airheart" once (it was actually San Francisco in disguise), his first step was to contact Red Widow. But since Red Widow knew nothing about Airheart, she instead gave Jong Il all the information she had on Bondhi. Bondhi, Krev, and Romanova were immediately arrested by Jong Il (whose decision was actually illegal since Lady Liberty was technically still in power), and after a planet-wide manhunt, San Francisco was captured as well. All four were placed in a dungeon that was completely tame compared to what Income did to his prisoners, marking the only instance where Jong Il was less tyrannical than Income. Despite being put into prison, Bondhi, who started a long fast with his cellmates as protest, became a symbol to the growing opposition movement, which had intensified following the Space Jam Cafe incident.


	6. Marstropolis

Marstropolis was no stranger to interference from Earth. Commander BrainFreeze's Sodaworks Shop and Carles Koenig's Coffee Bean Bistro opened locations there to compete in the junk-food business with Carl Swagan's Plutonium Pizza. Criminal Robert Banksy attempted to steal money from the Black Hole Bank, only to be pulled into the black hole and never come back. But none of that prepared for being the location of one of President Income's greatest gambits during the war.

Elon Arrakis became a local hero for rising from a nomadic desert family to become one of the greatest research entrepreneurs on the Space Planet. His Galactic Gateway, built with physicist Seal Degrasse Tyson, could be used as a portal to almost all of the planets in the galaxy and was built specifically for mass colonization. Arrakis's pet assistant was the Disinterest Rover, built to explore the geology of other planets before they could be colonized. Arrakis did not foresee his invention being used to invade an already colonized planet, for which President Income feared Kong Jong Il would use it. Luckily, Jong Il was oblivious to the Galactic Gateway's presence due to never reaching Marstropolis. This made Income think of a brilliant gambit which would prevent Jong Il from using the Gateway as planned.

Since Income knew that he couldn't alter the Galactic Gateway without Arrakis's permission, Earth soldiers had to put Arrakis out of commission first. Instead of choosing to kill him, Income wanted to knock him out instead, enlisting Koenig and BrainFreeze for the job. Koenig would give Arrakis a drink with a large amount of caffeine, which would make him greatly thirsty; his thirst would cause him to overdose on BrainFreeze's soda, causing his brain to literally freeze. Seal Degrasse Tyson would also need to be defeated. To do so, Income enlisted Joan of Bark, the pug who worked for the Museum of Riches in Earth's capital Capitalist Hill but had previously been a fierce swordswoman. Finally, the Galactic Gateway would need to be converted to a black hole. Since the president of the Black Hole Bank, Giger Counter, was an ally of Capitalist Hill's Kickbank Bank, he agreed to use his black hole technology for the gateway.

While knocking Arrakis out worked perfectly, Joan of Bark accidentally killed Tyson with her sword. As a result, she was seen as a wanted fugitive and had an army of apes come after her. Luckily, before the apes arrived, the black hole technology was installed in the gateway, and the ape regiment was caught inside and could never return. Though Joan of Bark paid the price by spending the war in prison (she was a bunkmate of Grossa Krev and Natalia Romanova), Jong Il decided not to conquer Marstropolis for being too dangerous, giving up his dream of taking over the entire Space Planet.


	7. Moneywood

Moneywood was the richest location on Earth, and everyone living there was too rich to care about the war. Famous socialites like Chadwick von Snobbington, Agnes von Beakerkolk, Lola Rosada, and the plastic surgery addict Verna Sturgeon dodged questions about the war in interviews, preferring to talk about the hottest new (and expensive) products at Cash Couture and Timeless Diamonds.

The one exception was martial arts actor Chuck Schwartzman, one of the loudest advocates for the war. He lobbied Oscar D'Academi, producer of award-winning movies, to make a film in support of the war. Though D'Academi thought Schwartzman was a terrible actor, he financed his idea about a soldier who breaks out of prison to go on a revenge rampage because war films frequently got awards. Since Schwartzman was too old, he decided to play a supporting role and heartthrob rodent Justin Beaver was cast as the lead.

Because ape actors were extremely rare on Earth due to poaching, Schwartzman cast four-legged animals as the enemies in the film. The big boss, who kills dozens of the main character's allies before being shot from behind in the film's climactic shootout, was played by horse Pony Montana.

Despite wide backlash upon release for its politics, especially from Moto City, the film, finally titled "Horsemeat", won numerous awards thanks to D'Academi's campaigning and a rave review from the clown TV host Domino. Though Beaver and Montana were the stars, most of the awards went to Dali Llama, who gave a bizarre performance as the boss's second-in-command. Llama immediately got pushed into stardom, starring in a greatly-attended comedy theater show with the famous clown Domino, and for a brief period his excessive artworks were featured in the restaurant chain Planet Moneywood.


	8. Port Europa

The Space Planet's Port Europa was often compared to Moneywood due to how high the average income was. But unlike Moneywood, not many socialites lived there, the major exception being the green actress Zaldana, who was forced out of Marstropolis for dating a piece of wood she called "Captain's Log". Instead, Moneywood was a place for big business. Among the major interests there were Spongejohn Linenpants's Deep Sea Sandwiches, which doubled as a premier sandwich shop and a concert hall for major musicians; Captain Nemo's Shipwreck Funpark, the most visited amusement location on the planet due to the nearby reefs and its massive depth; and Blue Bucket Oil, the biggest petroleum company on the planet.

As the war was raging, Rig Daddy, a mutated Blue Bucket employee known by his gigantic suit, found a large supply of oil just a few miles from the port. He referred to it as "fish oil" due to the amount of fish skeletons he saw while drilling, though the oil did not come from oily fishes. Knowing the aftermath of the Space Jam Cafe incident, he locked it up in a safe in the sea to prevent Kong Jong Il from using the fuel for himself and hired the extremely powerful sea god Broseidon to protect it.

This turned out to be a poor decision since Broseidon was in a rivalry with his nephew Ares, the "Father of Marstropolis" and, more importantly, god of war. Due to his status, Ares had just been appointed by Jong Il as a military advisor. This led to what would be the only sea battle of the war.

Through loan shark MC Hammerhead's connection to Dust Valley mobster Tony "Lollipops" Capone, Broseidon relayed a message that Jong Il's forces were going to attack him at any moment to President Income, who immediately called for reinforcements. A naval force led by rapping officer Captain Crunk was sent to Port Europa, where they participated in the battle.

The actual Battle of Port Europa pretty much ended immediately as Crunk called his former rap collaborator Iced Cube to use his ice powers to completely freeze Jong Il's force. But the battle beneath the sea surface, with Broseidon and Deep Sea Sandwiches flagship head Mrs. Freezewich against superhero and Banannister/Stark associate Aqua Drogo and the fish-tailed Michael Merman, was much more interesting, with Drogo's super speed barely outmatching Broseidon's electrokinesis. That battle only ended when Merman disabled Freezewich's breathing apparatus, making Broseidon completely outmatched despite having the powers of a god. Due to Broseidon's defeat, Jong Il counted Port Europa as a success for him despite having almost his entire naval force unable to fight.


	9. Tapan

Tapzilla is somewhat of a legend on Earth. Originally a non-speaking sea monster off the course of Tapan, it suddenly grew a large clump of spiky red hair and started speaking human language after coming into contact with Brainiac, a psychic supervillain and the president of the NASTAP Exchange. Tapzilla became extremely famous for both the destruction it caused to the land of Tapan and its ability to attract human women who were much smaller than him. Kazashi Miyazaki's cry to him of "notice me senpai" and Tapzilla's dreamy-eyed response were a common reference in most foreign media that showed Tapan.

Despite Tapzilla's fame, it was a liability to Tapan due to its presence meaning a higher probability that Tapan would blow up. Thus a calmer doppelganger named Mechatapzilla was created, built from metal scrap pieces by Stanley Kubricks and programmed by Terry Hackerman. When President Income was informed that Kong Jong Il's forces would attack Tapan next, he summoned Mechatapzilla instead of Tapzilla.

The Battle of Tapan started off very much like the Battle of Port Europa in that most of Jong Il's army was wiped out almost immediately. The high body count wasn't entirely due to Mechatapzilla's size overpowering the soldiers; an all-female force led by ninja Katori, wild-haired street dweller Sasha Manba, and tempura chef Nori Kaga also caused many casualties. But when a huge mecha named Robo Nobunaga was unleashed by the ape army, Mechatapzilla was doomed due to being much less powerful. Once Mechatapzilla was defeated, Tapzilla was released from its cage for the first time in years.

The battle between Tapzilla and Robo Nobunaga was extremely tough. One minute Robo Nobunaga's fast bullets from its fingers would keep Tapzilla off balance, the next the monster's heat breath would damage the mecha's armor. The battle ended in a draw due to the interference of Brainiac and his ally Dr. Sinestro. Affiliated with neither Income nor Jong Il due to wanting more power for themselves, they fulfilled their lifelong dream of capturing Tapzilla and caught Robo Nobunaga in the same net. Though Tapzilla never lost its hair or ability to speak human language, its power was greatly diminished, as was the robot's, when experiments were performed on them under NASTAP's headquarters.


	10. General Pianoxor

The man known as Pianoxor came from a long line of musicians, going back to the first humans to settle on the Space Planet. Despite that, he had gone to military school where he had trained to become a soldier. He eventually became one of the highest-ranked generals in the Space Planet's army. And he was the first general to quit the army when Kong Jong Il took over, instead starting a residency at Space Vegas's Multiverse Resort.

Pianoxor, billed as "General Pianoxor" to emphasize his military ties despite performing in a sequin butterfly costume, quickly started earning much more as a pianist than as a general, earning five BaMillion dollars just in his first two months. Blackjack Betty, the owner and "face" of the Blackjack & Beyond casino, encouraged its visitors over the speakers to come see Pianoxor live after they finished playing games. Sammy Diva Jr., who had idolized Pianoxor during his military days and had since become a highly successful crooner, regularly sang duets with him at the resort. Pianoxor's status in the city was such that Diva's flamboyant friend Ruby Korben gave Pianoxor free access to his private taxi rides.

What Pianoxor didn't know was that Jong Il had planned to kill him for resigning from the army.

Red Widow was originally sent for the hit, but refused to go to into Space Vegas after an incident where she woke up not remembering the night before after getting drunk with a man named "Zack", who was actually the wine god Galafabacchus. So Jong Il looked for a long time for someone who was familiar with Space Vegas before finding Tigfried Roy, the tiger who had eaten a magician at the Multiverse Resort and assumed his identity for a while despite not being human.

Unfortunately for Jong Il, Tigfried Roy was very dumb. Instead of going into the Multiverse Resort, he went to Steak 'N Space, the restaurant known for Gordon Rameses's cooking and Cranemun Ra's dancing. Anubot, the restaurant's security robot, immediately kicked Roy out for not paying. Roy never asked for the Multiverse Resort's location due to relying solely on instinct and when he finally got there, he was shot dead by gangster Micky Santorobo, who had been angry at Roy due to an unpaid debt.

Jong Il had planned to send another hitman before Hulkster S. Thompson, the author and superhero who was present for Roy's murder, wrote about it in the local newspaper. Since Jong Il knew that Thompson could easily beat him up, he decided not to proceed with killing Pianoxor.


	11. Tycoon Island

Despite its name, Tycoon Island wasn't as inhabited by rich people as Moneywood was. While Tycoon Towers was well-known as the meeting place for a number of rich snobs, such as human Lord Wigglesworth III, robot Droid Droidington, gibbon Thomas M. Rinn, and dinosaur Sir Thomas Featherstone (the only one of which actually lived in Tycoon Island), most of the people who inhabited Tycoon Island itself looked rich but were actually middle-class. This last group includes Beakface, a parrot who always wore a tuxedo, and Selina Stotts, who never went out without her expensive purple glasses. Tycoon Island was also home to Triassic Park, an infamous "theme park" run by human-eating dinosaur Hammosaurus and con artists Antonio Montoya and Finn Snivelton. The "park" had dinosaur bones so rotten that Joan of Bark wouldn't touch them as its only "attraction".

However, it had two of the most treasured places on Earth: Lava Labs, the planet's biggest producer of electrical energy, and Volcano Vault, a government-owned gold reserve. Kong Jong Il wanted possession of both before taking over Earth. But President Income had sent a message to him telling him to beware of Ted Sleazington and Uncle Samuel.

Ted Sleazington was Income's biggest financial supporter and a frequent visitor to Tycoon Towers. He was put in charge of handling energy and gold distribution in Tycoon Island, and he absolutely never budged to outside interests. Uncle Samuel, meanwhile, was a top-hatted, bow-tied bald eagle who was an icon of Capitalist Hill and who could kill any mortal being in one swoop.

So when Jong Il's gorilla henchman Dr. Thelonious Cumberbatch went to Tycoon Island, he was immediately greeted by Sleazington and Samuel. Once Cumberbatch choked Sleazington, Samuel pecked on the glass jar on top of Cumberbatch's head where his brain was stored until it broke, immediately killing Cumberbatch.

The fact that Cumberbatch was able to survive with his brain outside of his skin piqued the curiosity of scientist Dr. Uranium and his doctoral students Diana McMahon and Aaleyah Azer, who wanted to put the brain in a vat and attach it to a supercomputer to simulate the life of a typical member of Jong Il's army. Despite financial help from banker Malik Ahluwalia, the project fell through when it was found that Cumberbatch's brain had lost all of its living tissue.


	12. Homeworld Zeta

Emperor K-Taps was the king of the Space Planet's Homeworld Zeta and patriarch of the Woibanx family, who were known as the "Zeta aliens" to those on Earth. His wife the Homeworld Queen, son Prince (now Captain) Woibanx, and cousins conspiracy theorist Ross Well, hedge fund pimper Xzioblix, and scientist Zoid Moibulinx were also prominent citizens of the area. His second son was John Woibanx, who adopted the name of John Smith and became a translator in Dust Valley. (Woibanx had switched places with a John Smith from Dust Valley, who became known as John Woibanx and became a translator in Homeworld Zeta.) Other cousins included Zoibalenix, the mayor of Marstropolis, and Presley Graceland, who sang to newlyweds at Space Vegas's Warp Speed Weddings.

K-Taps would never acknowledge that any of the Space Planet's many presidents had power over Homeworld Zeta. Whenever Raygun asked for anything from Super Star Solar or Event Horizon Fuels, K-Taps would always refuse. Despite all this, it was Captain Woibanx who Kong Jong Il had feared most in Homeworld Zeta due to his fierce competitiveness and the great power within his armor. So after he failed to kill Pianoxor, Captain Woibanx was next on his hit list.

After being angry at Tigfried Roy's incompetence, Jong Il went to Homeworld Zeta himself, the first place he had been on the Space Planet since the portal to the Jungle Planet was located there. But when he arrived he was confronted with some of the strangest people he would ever meet. There was Agent Skully, who was fired from counterintelligence for investigating the existence of the occult. There was Haley Joel Eggmont, who actually believed that he could see the occult. There was the Ancient Zion Astronaut, who believed that most things built before the existence of space travel were made by aliens. And there was Ross Well, a Woibanx family member who believed all sorts of implausible theories. The fact that the Zeta residents had such interesting theories about the past led Jong Il down a huge rabbit hole considering he was unfamiliar with the dimension despite wanting to take it over. After hours went by he completely forgot about killing Captain Woibanx and instead focused on Niels Boar, who was the most respected scientist on the Space Planet but who the Zeta residents had agreed on as being completely wrong.

When Jong Il reached Boar's mansion, a bolt of lightning appeared from the sky before Boar's confidant, athlete and musician Uranium Bolt, sped towards the door from outside, refusing to let Jong Il in. Since Jong Il had a gun with him, Bolt immediately took it out, ran away, came back, and watched Jong Il get carried away by thunder god Zeus Lee.

Zeus, who took the last name Lee to blend in with society, was the father of Ares and the brother of Broseidon. He was familiar with Jong Il due to Broseidon's defeat by Aqua Drago, and hated him so much that he strapped him to a chair and started throwing lightning-fast punches at him. Agent Gray, a former associate of Agent Skully who still worked in counterintelligence, had to paralyze Zeus with a stun gun in order to make him stop. Zeus retaliated by throwing Jong Il through the portal to the Jungle Planet and then closing the portal, justifying his action with "That's what he gets for knocking out my brother".

Jong Il woke up in the middle of the Circus Bananimus in Apelantis, about to be beaten up by the ox Max E. Musk. He felt defeated by Earth, but he did not know that President Income would be deposed around this time as well.


	13. Bizbots and Astrobots

"Bloop. Bleep."

President Income heard the sound near his door. He couldn't tell what it was.

"Bloop. Bleep."

The sound kept reappearing and he still wasn't sure what to do.

"BLOOOOOP."

Then the door to his office swung open and he was thrown face-first onto the street by a robot.

This robot, Bloop Bleep, was one of the Bizbots, made by Gooqle head Zayne Pager to increase his profits. After seeing what Income had done to prisoners of war, he set out to overthrow him and decided the best way to do so would be to use his own workforce. Most of the Bizbots were blue and flying, but some had more specialized appearances like Bloop Bleep, who was gray and square, and Space Jones, his invention specifically made to defeat Kong Jong Il's force, who had the appearance of a human.

After kicking out Income, Pager sent a message to all Gooqle phones showing the phone-installed AI Corhanna speaking about how Bizbots have taken over Earth, though Earth is still continuing the war against the Space Planet. The fact that phone users were forced to watch the clip caused very mixed reactions, especially since no one used Corhanna in the first place. Pager's copier, named Xera, Warrior Princess, copied thousands of "game plans" for the armed forces to guide them on their future direction.

Hil Runner was elected President of the Space Planet in the special election over Lady Liberty. Upon hearing of Pager's exploits on Earth, Runner tried a similar plan as her first duty in office. She installed the Space Planet's version of Bizbots, known as Astrobots, to clean up Jong Il's mess. Rosie the Riveter, a Bizbot built by Moto City's Sandy Conaway, was sent to the Space Planet to help Runner. Other notable Astrobots included M.A.R.I.A., the "reincarnation" of an Earth soldier who died in combat, and HUMAN, who was marketed as a human DJ despite the fact that he was not a human and actually had no face. Due to Runner not forcing the news onto anyone except for those using the Tronson program, where the character named Juan stopped the game to talk about Astrobots, her strategy was met with much higher praise than Pager's.


	14. Big Biz Strikes!

The overthrowing of Income and his staff by Bizbots, and thus the lack of a real fit leader of the planet, came off worst among the business interests who supported Income throughout his presidency, especially his decision to declare war. As a result, a total of twenty-six names from big business showed up at the Presidential House's door with a message:

_To Zayne Pager and his Robots:_

_We have been supporters of President Income for years and are stunned by the fact that you just chose to overthrow him rather than talk to us about your plan going forward without him. As a result, we will pull all resources from the Earth-Space War going forward._

_Sincerely._

_From the Commerce Industry: Gordon Gecko of Raider Exchange, Munnies "Dr. Moneybags" McIncome of Chance Banking, and Frannie Warbucks of Locket Banking_

_From the Entertainment Industry: Holly Newsman of Channel 30 and Harry Pawter of Wizarding Films_

_From the Industrial Industry: The Great Trumpkin of The Great Energy, Hans Kluber of Skyscraper Shop, and James Yesserman of Never Say No_

_From the Restaurant Industry: Doug Hotterman of Hot Dog House, Vincent Van Dough of Sandwich World, and Queen Wendollen of Queen Wendollen's_

_From the Shopping Industry: Tube Goldberg of Intricate Tubes, Joanna Johanssen of Always Online, and Maysday of Advertised!_

Pager held a conference with the business leaders in which he laid out his plans for the planet and the war. Pager's mentor, Garl Marx, had told Pager that the planet belongs to the people, so he decided not to have an actual leader for the planet so Marx's dream of the working class controlling society could be fulfilled. Not only did the leaders feel that Pager had badly misunderstood Marx, they also felt extremely uncomfortable with all the Bizbots around the room. Since they thought the Bizbots were used for spying, they decided to arrest Pager for illegal activities. Two police officers, Franken von Furter and Denzel Ottawa, were chosen to do the job, and they succeeded. However, Income had still not recovered from his injury.


	15. One Last Battle

Waiting in a hospital bed, President Income thought he could never return from his injury. He wished for the goddess Fortuna to bring luck so that he could be healed completely, but when she arrived her spell was unlucky. The same happened when the leprechaun Luckers O'Leary visited him. As he prepared for dying, he thought back to his departed mentors Albert Shinestein, Mrs. T, the Dalai Buddha, and Spockrates and wondered what they would think of him today. He remembered how he convinced Scrooge McBuck and Tubbs Wigglebottoms III to give money to the homeless police officer Hobocop, and how that convinced them to become primarily philanthropists rather than capitalists. He remembered how he defended Wrecky Ray Cyrus's appearance after his citizens criticized her for being a literal wrecking ball with hair and lips. He remembered the critical hitter Hotshot and the quick Danny Haulfast, who he used for laser pointing and post-office mailing and who were the nicest employees he ever had.

And then Deus Ex Barachina visited and Income suddenly got better. It seemed contrived, but it was true to Barachina's name.

Despite the opposition that occurred during the war, Income came back to his office beloved by most of Earth. Though he was greatly winning already, he promised one final make-or-break battle with Jong Il's troops that would occur in the sky.

The problem was that Jong Il wasn't back. He had been trapped in the Jungle Planet, left to govern a population that had been disillusioned by his sudden absence. Income asked Emperor K-Taps and Hil Runner to work together to open the portal to the Jungle Planet again and bring him back for one last battle. He had been bruised from the brief time he had spent at the Circus Bananimus, but he willingly came back to prove his superiority, which he had hopes of again once he heard of Income's ousting by Zayne Pager.

Income had some of Earth's greatest fighter pilots on his side: the spunky Chun Leia, the tough Ron Richmond, the cunning Brolick Swoleman, and pilots turned successful rappers Tupacca and the Notorious H.U.T. Runner also let him have C-3Paesar, known as the "king of the Astrobots". Jong Il's side of Space Planet natives was even bigger. Steva Flav, another pilot turned rapper who was also a galaxy-renowned physicist, and Dr. Whodini and Daleksander Hamilton, both of whom were rumored to inhabit a different temporal or spatial plane from everyone else, were the most beloved names, but the Space Planet force also included Neopatra and the cat Lord of the Internet, both rulers of regions, and the nightmarish monster Predthulu.

The fight had so many things going in it that the famous writer George Jar Jar Martin wrote three hundred pages on it. Highlights included Tupacca and Flav doing a rap battle while fighting each other, C-3Paesar and Neopatra flirting while fighting each other, Whodini and Hamilton warping to random places around Swoleman's plane, and Predthulu's plane getting sucked into a spiral that looked like a washing machine. The battle ended for good when the always missable Hamilton, having just killed C-3Paesar from the back, missed Leia's plane before it shot a deadly laser at him, causing his plane to spiral down and fatally crash.

Income and Runner signed a peace pact for the Earth and Space Planets following the battle's end. Jong Il was asked to sign as well so the Jungle Planet could be included in the pact, but he never showed up.


End file.
